Today something happened. Something I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over. Although I did not mean to hurt her at all. When I snapped my umbrella stroller from folded to it's upright position, Alexa had her finger in the way.
In a very bad spot. Right between the metal frame and the hard plastic. About 1 centimeter of her left ring finger got smashed in the frame on the side of the stroller. When I gently tugged at her hand it was STUCK. It felt like the longest 10-15 seconds of my life while I went from the side of the stroller to try to dislodge her finger to unfolding the stroller to release her.
I felt horrible. My baby was screaming bloody murder. The whole time. When her little finger was freed, I inspected it. She had blood under the skin, and her fingernail was already turning purple. The skin was torn and white and jagged looking. I scooped her up and told dh that we needed some ice. NOW.
He grabbed Eddie and the stroller and quickly followed. I walked right in to the restaurant that was very close by and went straight to the bar. I demanded ice immediately. In perfect Spanish. Bravo to mommy. The bartender must have seen the look on my face and with the screaming child in my arms, he did not hesitate.
We sat outside on the patio and I held her and rocked her back and forth. She screamed for quite some time. I felt horrible. I still do. For this evening my baby girl was hurt and I couldn't think of anything else. I just wanted to take away her pain. I kept whispering over and over to her, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." And she just let me hold her. I sang her a Barney song, because she likes it. And she loves me, and she doesn't care what my voice sounds like.
After the crying period was done, we walked around the mall. I couldn't bear to put her down or even in the stroller, I just held on to her in my arms, even though she is quite heavy. I just didn't want to let her go.
She still had a tear on her cheek when she looked up at her daddy and started talking. She said, "I'm so sorry daddy. I'm so sorry mommy." And my heart just melted. She thought that she should be saying that. I told her she didn't need to be sorry. And mommy loves her so much. She smiled.
And although she's hurt, I know she's going to be fine. And her finger will heal. I just have to make sure that she doesn't try to punch her brother tomorrow. Because with my two, that's always a distinct possibility.