In America.

I've been to Target a half a dozen times already. It never gets old. The bright and shiny lights, the hustle and bustle of people parading through the doors, and up and down the aisles feel welcoming to me. The people chattering in English, ah... glorious English. I feel like I belong here.

I've been to The Wing Stop, Los Nopales (Mexican restaurant), Papa Murphy's (pizza), I've been to the base (Davis Monthan Air Force Base) to walk around with my parents. It's nice. It feels good. I remember all the times I was there before when I would call my dh and he would (or really was spared a few short moments) to come and join me for lunch in the food court. It felt safe.

I have enjoyed seeing the neighborhood homes as they all start to put up their displays of Christmas decor one by one. I have driven through the city that once was foreign to me nearly 4 years ago, and thought of the memories that this place holds for me. I've been to my house and walked through the vacant rooms. This place feels the most special of them all. I brought both of my babies home to that house. And as I walked through and inspected the state of the home, it was hard to imagine the callousness and ill regard that people have for other people's property. Though it could have been much worse, it was in fact still standing. And nothing was taken or damaged. It just looked a little sad. They didn't take good care of it. I guess that is the best way to explain it.

I can't imagine leaving this place again. I can't imagine not being here. I don't want to. But there is a big part of my life that is not here. It's missing. And I can't reconcile the two. No matter how much I try, they just don't add up. I don't want to go back there. And he can't come here. Not right now anyway. And not for good, not yet. So I think right now I just wait. I have some things I have to accomplish while I am here. Some very important things.

I am thankful though, that at least I get to see my dh in less than two weeks when he flies in to be with us for the holidays. It will be his birthday when he arrives. I am planning to take him out to dinner. I want to go to Outback Steakhouse. But I think he might want Chinese food. He adores it. Since it's his birthday, I think it's only fitting that he decide. Oh and we aren't taking the kids. Bonus.

So this Christmas, I don't really want anything at all. I have everything that I need. I am healthy. I am loved and I have a beautiful family. That's more than a lot of people can say. So while all the material things are nice, I am just very very fortunate to have all that I do. If I had to ask for anything at all, I would ask to have my family all together, for good, in America.

I've never felt so strongly about this place as I do right now. I think I have a better appreciation for it.