Friday, June 12, 2009

Eviction Notice.

(5 lb representation)
Dear Fat,
I am writing this letter to inform you that you are no longer welcome here in and on my body. Your soft and fluffy nature is no longer comforting. Instead, your presence is more of an annoyance. I cannot fit into most of my jeans without discomfort. I am unable to wear those cute clothes that I bought before I became pregnant.

You made me think that you cared about me. First it was just one extra pound of you. And then you invited a friend. They in turn asked their entire family to come. And what's more, they have no intentions of leaving, ever. You crowd around my legs and midsection and mock me every single day as I try to figure out what to wear.

It does not soothe me to know that you have made me into one giant pillow for my children to lay on, moosh, or play with as a toy. It is not amusing. My patience has gone. I tried to be nice. I thought if I cut down on eating so many cookies, you would get the hint and just leave.

It is obvious that you, your friends and their family have decided to stay for the long haul. Well I want you to know that I am not OK with that. You see, it's going to cost me a lot of money to replace my entire wardrobe. And frankly, I'm just not in the mood.

I have nice clothes. And I have made a decision. I will be wearing them again. I just wanted you to know, it's time. I also want you to know what's coming. You see, I feel stronger now. I know I can take you on. You don't scare me anymore. Nor does a little hard work. I am going to defeat you. When I say these things to you, I want you to know that I am very serious.

Cardio. Exercise. Jillian Michael's. 30 Day Shred. Be very afraid. I know cardio is your ultimate enemy. I don't feel sorry for you. You have overstayed your welcome.

Please take this letter as formal notification of your eviction. You must vacate the body within 30 days. There will be no negotiations. I'm done with you. Please say your goodbyes. Pack your things. It's time you go.


Shana said...

Very funny! And I feel the same way =))))

Casey (@ Ever-Changing Life) said...

Nice one! You go girl! :)

The Main Ladybug said...


SEE YA, Bye Bye Fat!

Hair Bows & Guitar Picks said...

I feel the same way!

Bye-bye FAT!

Former Fat Chick said...

you kick that fat ass in then, um, ass...

Just Breathe said...

Great post, very funny. My youngest is 28 and the guests in my body haven't left yet. I am ready to join your club. We did South Beach several years ago and it worked so well. Husband and I just talked about it this morning.
I am going to put up that eviction notice too! You go girl!